Friends, Romans, Countrymen,

I have been asked by Teresa to speak to you about Brexit, and I am happy to oblige. It is a privilege. Indeed, privilege to be an Englishman, and to vote for myself and all I stand for, is what Brexit is about. I will not mention the War. Indeed, I cannot mention the War, because I might say something silly and spoil my chances of becoming the next Prime Minister. As I sit in Cabinet with a slight smile on my face, at once loyal and distant, I think “What would Billy Bunter do?” and I know he would have voted for Brexit, illegally, because he was under age, but voted nonetheless.

And Brutus, et tu Brute, as they taught us at school, he would have voted for Brexit – not Brexit left as the stage directions say, for Corbyn is a lean and hungry man. He thinks too much. Such men are dangerous, as I Julius so perceptively saw it in ancient Rome. No, we must fight them in the trenches and fight them in the restaurants. What after all is wrong with bangers and mash and fish and chips, as long as they come in the Daily Mail?

But I want to reach out to the remainers, those poor losers who were not taken in by all the things I was saying. Let me say to you that once I was not sure, and Dave was Prime Minister. Then I made up my mind and Dave went and so did George. That was a great day and remained so (if I may use the word) until my friend, Michael Gove, withdrew support for me as Prime Minister, and I was stabbed, but not fatally. Now you too can agree with what I say, and lose your critical faculties.

When we are fully Brexit and people vote again as Brits, and they can only vote Conservative, because Conservatives are for growth, equality, empire, the Monarchy, though I am not sure about Charles, wealth and prosperity for all, then I may still be Prime Minister, because Teresa is a loser and I am a winner, and that is what Brexit is for.

The time has come for Britain to be great again. That is why I wrote my book about Churchill and try to look like him. We need to think globally and reconstruct the Empire. We do not need Europe. Indeed, holidays in Europe are parochial. They lack vision. Let us reach out I say. Let us look to far horizons. Let us pull together. The scrum of life is before us. In rugby we push and in rowing we pull, and that is what Britain is all about.

As we march to victory with boundary changes in my constituency, let us realize that never in human history was so much owed by so many to so few with still even more money in tax havens, as Winston said. Sit down to rapturous applause and dip slightly having tousled hair in an endearing manner.