(This text is transcribed from a small voice recording machine obtained through the White House rubbish disposal system which occasionally does not work properly)

Oh, where the fuck is that voice recording thing? You can never find things around here. Oh, who put it in my pocket? Is it on? So, Malinda, can you write this up for the Brits. This is the main speech, and I dont want to do it again. Queen, Treesa. Big Dinner thing. Gold plates. Tart this up as usual, but a lot more Statesmanlike. But underneath, gotta teach them a lesson. One of their Genrals disagreed with us over the Iran danger, as if he knows something. Those Brits easily get uppity.

So, first section blahdeblah on how nice it is to be here. Warm welcome. Keeping the adoring crowds at bay and they will talk about this to their children when they grow up. Biggest crowds ever. Lots of jokey stuff with the Queen. I like the plates. I’m changing the law so I can catch her up as President in 2080 if she dies soon. And can I borrow her kit and the fancy carriage for six months to have a tour back home, and something about if the Brits want a war of independence, we’ll nuke them. But, really it’s a Special Relationship. They speak our language like natives. Ha. Ha.

Then I want a quick pitch directly to Queenie. Say, I would like another golf course a bit closer to the airports. Mention Windsor and a bit of landscaping. It is close to London and there is plenty of space if you flatten a few things. If you do it up front, it is difficult to say No. I’ll leave a gap to let it sink in.

Then the statesmanlike stuff. Treesa will be there, crying, so don’t say You should have listened to me on Europe. Aw fuck. Say it anyway. Then say I want their backing on Iraq, Iran, Syria, Yemen, China and all that round the world stuff, and unconditional support at the UN – poodle style because we have got to hold the free world together. You can shove in a joke about them being poodles, and leaving the EU, so now they are corgies or those silly small dogs with the complicated name. I’ll practice it. And say, I don’t clear up dog shit.

Turn the screw a bit. Make em uneasy. Small island. Make them feel they don’t count now. They are out of Europe. Mention Nigel and Boris to stir it up a bit and tell em how important it is to choose the right leaders, and we are still getting over Obama and Hillary, but now we are really successful. Tell em I understand their crisis. Trade must be difficult. Then I want to launch my BIG DEAL. You can buy any of our weapons that we do not want, if you give us open access to all your markets. Give them a roasting on fucking chlorinated chicken. I’ve read it. They live off bloody Kentucky and McDonalds and then they rubbish our chicken. I’m going to get chlorinated chicken down their throats if it kills them. And tell them if they don’t quit that Chinese firm, Awayee, I’ll give them less American intelligence, and boy are we intelligent.

You can finish with all the save the world for freedom stuff and the dangers of Iran and how I have sorted out the American economy, China, Europe, South America and the rest. Nothing on global warming. Absolute nothing. Blank it. Nobody mentions the weather. We’ll do Great USA (GUSA) and Ordinary Britain, so they know they are nothing.

Then, I’ll do:- Today, I am asking you to choose greatness, American greatness. You put a man on the South Pole and I put a man on the Moon. I’ll mention GUSA a number of times. Then throw in Canada. Say, I want Canada to leave the Empire-Wealthy thing, so that they can have a closer relationship with us. Say, you’ve got Scotland and Wales, so you don’t need Canada. And I want my golf course to become sovereign US territory so those vile Scots can’t fuck me about.

Them, finally, I hope they will see that history is done My Way. See if you can get the Queen to put Sinatra on her Sound System, kinda low background to what I say. Treesa’s gone, but either history fucks you or you do it, and it will do it My Way. Mexico. China. Iran. Europe, and Canada will do it my way. I faced it all and I stood tall. I did it my way. I’ll give the finale a big voice. To think I did all that And may I say – not in a shy way. Oh no, oh no, not me I did it my way. Its gotta be big. Give the whole thing a bit of your class, and make sure I get all the formal stuff right, your Majesty and Duke of York. I’ll take it slow and statesmanlike cos she’s nearly dead. Get My way to change key near the end. When I sit down make sure all our people stand up and clap. I need it on gold paper, big print. When you’ve written it up classy I’ll practice it loads with you to learn the new words.

I say, you taking out the rubbish again. Could you take this down to Malinda and tell her to write it up straight away so I can practice it. I don’t know how to turn it off. Here, off you go.