My dear Donald,

Could I just say that you are a wonderful President and are leading the Great United States of America to a new wonderful future and are making decisive decisions every day and are the great world leader of our time. At this point, rather than having my letter read to you, you might like to read it directly yourself word by word, because I have a few things to discuss privately. Thank you.

First, can I say in short words that we do not like you to say that our health service is not doing well. I have checked your exact words, and you say that our system is “going broke and not working”. I need to say that is not good enough, when I am trying to say the opposite. People are supposed to be nice to their friends, so that when they need them, they support them in turn. I could criticize you and say that I think your wall is silly, not that I do – it is a wonderful wall, or it will be when it is eventually built, but we do not do that to our friends.

In England we have an old English word called “etiquette”. It means you smooth your skirt when you sit down and hold your tea cup nicely. Etiquette says there are a lot of things that are not done and rubbishing your friends is one of them, or rather NOT rubbishing your friends. Can I say I do not expect any more of the things I am doing over here to be rubbished across the world. It Is Not Done, IIND for short. Keep saying IIND to yourself when you talk about Britain.

So, for example, I could say the US Stock Market is going broke and is not working, after yesterday’s slump, but IIND, because it would not be supporting you as world leader and might make things difficult for you, and because you are a great businessman and build good towers called Trump Towers.

By the way, if I may, did you like the bricks I sent you? I hope your wife liked the shoes. You can play with the bricks on your desk. The letters on the side say, “Trump Tower”, and they are on all sides of the brick so that it does not matter which way round you put them, though you must not get them upside down, something it is easy to do in politics. Because you have to start at the bottom, (or at least the proletariat does. ha ha ha) you have to put the bricks on in the order R E W O T P M U R T and then when you stand back it spells TRUMP TOWER downwards. I know you like things which stick up and it may take your mind off other things like wockets. Sorry I mentioned them.

We are still working on your visit. The Queen has suggested you might like to go to Balmoral, which is her castle in the North. That way you can visit your golf course, we can arrange a rapturous welcome, you could kill a few stags and have the great English delicacy called Haggis. I will send over a kilt for you to wear and although your fans all over Britain will not see much of you, it will be a royal occasion – If the Queen is well enough to attend. At present she has a nasty persistent cough. You mentioned you quite liked the idea of being king of the GUSA, and you will be able to discuss that with the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip who never quite made it. Ha. Ha. Ha. Do not mention to the Queen that you like her job or want your head on our stamps.

I am looking forward to seeing you again. I do not have much excitement over here and it is nice having a closest ally. Next time we meet we could discuss possible enemies, your brick tower and I will not mention the Russians. Oops. Thank you for getting Teresa right. I like to be three syllables.

Theresa May
United Kingdom (British) Prime Minister.