BORIS: So, hello, this is my TV appearance for today. Thank you for submitting your questions early so that Dominic could think about them. Oh, Dominic’s gawn. Who did this? Laura, ask your question for the BBC. Speak up. Oh, silly girl, switch yourself on. I have the question here. It is WHOM would we attack with our nucleah weapons. Which university did you go to? Did they not teach you about the Accusative? Sometimes it is put in front of the verb. Never mind if you are a bit backwards, because we are in charge.
Oh so, it says here, you aim nucleah weapons, but you do not attack. The point about nucleah weapons is they don’t attack, but deter. So, the question is not about attack, but about aim. And our folks have led the world in solving that one. If you aim, you can miss, as plebs do when they try that double top thing in their pubs, though they mustn’t go to pubs because we must keep the thingummy down below one, even in pubs. So, we do not aim. Instead, Laura, we have a batch of nuclear warheads in the same wocket, and they spwead out and wipe out the whole area, say Russia, China or North Korea over the other side of the big map. So, we have solved the aim pwoblem, and do not need to attack. Do you understand that, Laura?
LAURA KUENNSBERG: Yes, Prime Minister. Do Russia and China have the same spreading warheads?
BORIS: Of course, they do. We lead the world but others follow. You have a bit of a German sounding name, Laura. I hope you have a visa. You remember, although you are a bit of a young thing, that the USSR threatened us, because they were Communist and Socialist and against the Free Capitalist Democratic World such as us, like Corbyn, who was really in favour of nucleah weapons, because he was Communist, though he said he was against them. Oh where was I, or am I, as they taught us at Eton, Ego sum or sum ego or something.
They have spreading warheads. One of theirs could wipe out London and the Home Counties. That is why we let Russian oligarchs buy a lot of big mansions and football clubs in London and the South East. They are not goin’ to wipe out their own properties with a big nuclear flattener. It stands to reason. So, London and the South east is safe against nucleah attacks, and it only cost a few stately homes.
LAURA KUENNSEBERG: What about the North, Prime Minister?
BORIS: What what about the North, Laura. It is up there at the top, and it is susceptible to nuclear attack. Note the word, susceptible. Not that people in the North use the word “susceptible” you understand. For people in the North and other places – don’t ask me where they are – we have our Continuous At Sea Nuclear Deterrent, as my valet taught me to say, but not after drinking. This is always ready with a full-out nuclear stwike anywhere, anytime when I press the button and it is this which keeps us safe. That is why everyone should vote for us because we keep you safe, especially in the South East, with Chelsea Football Club, where we are doubly safe.
LAURA: Does that mean Russia would not attack us? I understand they donate to the Conservative Party on a big scale.
BORIS: All kinds of people recognize what a great Party we are. In this great City of London we have persuaded a lot of Russians to bank over her in our great banks so that they will not blow up their own bank accounts. So, Russia is only an official enemy. We need enemies. Our system of Defence depends on it. We are their enemy and they are our enemy. We help their defence department, their wicked Kremlin, spend money, and they help us. We spy on them and they spy on us. It is too complicated for your tiny mind, Laura, but Yes, Russia would attack us. They are a big threat. Although not to Donald, but Donald is gawn. So they are our enemy and dangerous. They could nuke all of us tomorrow and we would just be a hole in the North Sea. That is why we leave Russia to the US, and Biden will be Anti-Russian and all will be well.
LAURA: So, Prime Minister, are you saying that our Independent Nuclear Deterrent is not aimed at Russia because it is too powerful for us and donates to the Conservative Party?
BORIS: Good Lord, No, Yes. Did I say that hole in the North Sea thing? Blimey. People, the hoi poloi, as we say, will think this is dangerous. They must just think we are safe. We are so grateful that Boris makes us safe and Corbyn will kill us. Cut. We must cut this interview, or I will abolish the BBC and send you back to Bongo Bongoland, Laura Kuennsberg. Good Lord. People will start thinking about nucleah stuff and is it good for us. This is dead. This interview does not exist. Russia is Communist. I am not here. This interview must be destroyed.