LAURA KUENNSBERG: Prime Minister, it is good of you to have this impromptu interview.

BORIS: No, don’t mention it, Laura. The British public  deserve to hear me as leader of our leading country.

LAURA: It is about the TPNW, the Treaty on the Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons which becomes international law in three weeks. Will we obey international law, duly passed through the United Nations, or ignore it?

BORIS: Er. That is a bit of a stinker, Laura. As you know we lead the world in upholding international law, except when we owe Iran £400 million which we do not want to give them because they will just buy more weapons from Russia to replace the ones we did not supply. And I, more than anyone else, am sorry for Nazanin. Where was I? Oh, International Law. Er, I L, as I call it, has changed. We do I L through America. That’s not just me. Tony did it with Doublja on Iraq and Teresa sucked up to Trump. So, we Nuclear Weapons people have decided to ignore International Law, or I L as I call it. We half ignore it. We accept the nuclear weapons bit and ignore the prohibition, and we don’t talk about it, like I am trying not to talk about it now.

LAURA: But a hundred and twenty nations signed up for it at the UN. They can’t all be wrong?

BORIS: No, Er, Laura, it is not wrong for them. That is why they do not have nuclear weapons. We have them, at great cost to ourselves, and our nucleah weapons protect them. We have backed the Non-Proliferation Treaty, as we said at the Foreign Office, which prevents THEM becoming US. We uphold that international Law and not the new one, which is too new.

LAURA: But the NPT required us also to divest our nuclear weapons. We have ignored what we signed up to there. The NPT aimed at prohibition.

BORIS: But you do not have to obey all the law, as I frequently say to my Cabinet, especially, if you see a better way and keep it quiet. And really, these other countries are jealous that we have nucleah weapons. We have them and they don’t, and they are jealous, because that makes us a superpower on the UN Security Council and helps us lead the world.

LAURA: Prime Minister, perhaps these other countries think we would all be more secure without nuclear weapons, threats and the worldwide escalation of arms sales.

BORIS: It must be difficult for you to understand, Laura, but this nucleah deterrent stuff is all a question of balance. It needs two sides and each side must keep its finger near the button. I practice with my thumb actually. And then we keep you safe. We are defending the United Kingdom, and it will be forever united while I am Prime Minister, and you, even you, are grateful when I keep you safe. Oh, you are so cute, Laura, when you smile and frown at the same time. And Putin is a Chelsea supporter, so we have got it all covered. We superpowers are just going to keep schtum over the next few weeks and let the international law thingy pass over. We must be villagent and we will win through, and lead the world. There, what an ending. Thank you, Laura.