Hello, there, I am your friend and a technological whizz kid. I have been researching and making operational an amazing technological development in the field of nuclear weapons.

We have developed an app which slows down the detonation and explosion of nuclear weapons, so that they become benign. It can be applied to your enemies’ nuclear weapons, but not your own.

So, if you want to make North Korea safe, you just buy my app, one for each nuclear weapon, and they are no longer dangerous. In lab experiments on smaller weapons it just goes off with a kind of POUFF and all radioactivity is contained in a small space in enemy territory. It also detonates where the nuclear weapon starts from, not at the target. All you have to do is work out how many nuclear weapons your enemies have and buy a few more for spares and you have the ultimate defense, or defence, system, cutting your costs considerably.

For commercial reasons we have decided to keep the purchases of this app secret. It is not intended to slow down the purchase of nuclear weapons. Indeed, some states might try to outnumber our app so that they have more nuclear weapons than there are apps against them. Since the price of our app is 10% below the cost of nuclear weapons and missile delivery, we think it will pay to buy SLOWNUKES.

You will be aware that we are doing this in pursuit of world peace. This way we can have tens of thousands of warheads and tens of thousands of apps and be in no more danger than before. Indeed, rich countries can become very safe and have their own big nuclear arsenal.

This is an amazing leap in technological progress and I am honoured to be offering it to you. No timewasters, please.