My dear Donald,

This is to wish you a happy New Year, and also to the employee reading this to you. Now it is 2018, another year, and we will all have to do different things. My New Year resolution is to leave some things alone. Perhaps we can do this together, hand in hand. I will leave Europe alone and you can leave North Korea alone. Just think of Kim Jong Un as a leader with a bad hairstyle and small features set in a vast sea of face. He thrives on publicity and having enemies, and a much better policy is just to ignore him. After all, you are world leader and he is just a small person with a big mouth. If we leave him alone, maybe his mouth will stay shut.

We do have to think what to do with his wockets. They are dangerous. You remember one of ours, which you had sold to us, went astray and was heading towards you until it was destroyed. Wockets and buttons are good things, but there is a bit of a problem. We have said we will use our wockets first, because if we only use them when we are all dead, that is not much use, and anyway we want to be first and leaders and things, though you are the world leader. So, you may want to use them first, when Kim Jong Un is a bit rude. But pressing the button first and nuking North Korea might not be a good idea. I keep my nuclear button in a cupboard so that I do not do anything stupid, although we would have to ask your permission first to use our independent nuclear deterrent and then you would turn them on. Why don’t you just be rude to him. If I may paraphrase an old English saying, “Sticks and nuclear bombs will hurt my bones, but words will hurt even more.” I think, if you call him little and fat and point out he cannot play golf, that will upset him more than nuking him. When things get really bad, we say, “Ya Boo”. That really hurts them. Then you will not have to think about your button. That would be a good way forward.

We are doing well in Great Britain, although you are the Greatest United States of America. We put GUSA first and have walked away from Europe to prove it. I have taken to drinking Diet Cokes to keep me thin, like you, and we watch American films all the time including the great victories of the Cowboys over the Indians and your victory in World War Two and Vietnam.

We have hit a bit of a problem with the Royal Wedding. The bride, being a woman of colour, wants to invite the Obamas to the wedding, and the Queen has said Yes because she meets people of colour all the time. She does not know you personally, and so you have not been invited. It is a small, cheap, wedding and they are trying to keep the costs down, and there will be quite a few ordinary people there, so you won’t miss much. We will arrange for you to meet the Queen in the Palace sometime, though the Queen has said she is awfully, awfully busy. She wants to meet you in a few years time when her mind has had time to mature. So, we will discuss your State visit later; it must be the event of the century. I still remember my visit to the United States when you held my hand.

I hope you saw our new Aircraft Carriers. They are nearly as big as yours. We need some of your F35 planes to put on them, because they are the best. I know they cost you over a trillion dollars, but we hope you can give us some as soon as possible at a lower cost. Our critics are pointing out that having aircraft carriers without aircraft for a decade is a bit stupid. Perhaps you have a few rejects we could pick up cheap that we could put on the top, even if they don’t fly.

I must say the world is a safer place with you as President, Mr Trump. May your golf course prosper, you keep out of bunkers and your handicap stay low, and I have not mentioned Russia.

Your closest ally,

Theresa (May, Prime Minister United Kingdom across Atlantic)