Could I just say how honoured I am to be your new Prime Minister. I would just like to say what a fine Prime Minister Theresa May has been, and if she had had better support, she might be standing where I am now. And the Queen is doing a fine job too.
As you know, I have studied, and skimmed, the work of Winston Churchill, another Prime Minister who faced such a time of crisis as this. He promised to fight them on the beaches, but this time they are not fighting, they are just saying, “If you want to go away, then go away.” But we are staying where we are. We will not be moved. Dover will not move over, and we will get our Nation back. We won the Referendum, fair and square, though I admit the figures on the side of the bus were slightly out, and we must leave Europe, staying in the same place, as we promised. I, your chosen leader, will do Brexit.
If I may add, the Conservative Party, whose members have just chosen me, is a great Party. The members are old and wise. They read the Daily Telegraph, to whom I give my thanks for their support. They have time to sit around and drink, I mean think, and decide what is good for the country, and I am that what. We must be positive. We can do this together if we all scrum down and push. There is a lesson there. When you are pushing you do not see where you are going, but if you push, you either get over the line or the scrum collapses, and we will get over the line, and I am putting the ball in.
Of course, some cynics will say, “What about the Backstop?” and I answer – Do you not understand that you only need a backstop if you have got a poor wicketkeeper, as they taught me at school, and I will be the Good Wicketkeeper. Brexit solved, and it must be soft, or I will personally lose £5million on a bet. So, my policy is to go into the future, and all it needs is for the little people to be grateful and recognize the need for leisured rich people to run their lives, have tax havens and tell them what to deliver to their homes when they buy it.
I must now choose a cabinet. There are some people with principles not fit to run the country and some who have failed and can try again. Chris Grayling could be Chancellor. There are those who have been sacked, like me, and can hang together, except Michael Gove, who ratted on me. Fox can do trade and the complicated stuff. Trump will do our Foreign policy. I could do a deal with Nige before the election and we can leave the rest to the Civil Servants who are paid to run the ship.
Being Prime Minister is a matter of steering the ship. It may bob up and down, but the only real choice is right or left. If you go left, then you will sink, and so right is right. If you go right constantly, you go round in circles, and you don’t have to do anything. That is good government, and it is fun as well. And that is where we are. Going round in circles in the English Channel, because it is the English Channel which has brexitted from Europe and does not need to go anywhere and is staying where it is. That is my policy and my legacy to future generations. So, where is the ruddy rudder?