Hello, ordinary folk,

Weather will cover the whole of the UK today, and it will get jolly worse overnight. I am going to talk about it because it doesn’t involve reading, and I am Foreign Secretary and our weather always starts as foreign. At present weather is coming from the Brexit countries, but it will improve when we leave Europe properly.

I have had a lot of experience of the weather. Sometimes it is good and sometimes it is bad. When I was Major of London it was outstanding and the Romans had good weather too. They built Hadrian’s Wall to keep the bad weather out, and if I may say so, some rotter knocked it down.

I am in full agreement with the Prime Minister about the weather and I’m sure she will look after it very well. Gosh. Where is my coat? Yes, I am going to do my best to make sure that the weather improves. By June I expect my policies to have an effect and make you warmer. I do not expect gratitude. It is just part of the job. But we might have an election then, and I want you to remember how bad it is now under Labour with closed schools, trains not working and the Communist beast from the east. I say, is Putin Communist? Or something.

And where is France you may well ask? We will get our weather from new places, like Guatamala and the Virgin Islands, and I will stop now because my Private Secretary is waving his arms at me because of the weather.