My Dear Donald,

I know you are busy talking to Kim Jong-un but I just had to drop you a line, and, as you know, I cannot Tweet. First of all the G7 Summit. It was good to see you there from a distance and I did tap your back a few times, and I understand why you are slapping tariffs on us all, but I am in the middle of delicate negotiations with the European Union people, and I could not at this stage side with you against them. It would make the Brexit exit too fast for us. I hope you understand that, really, I was with you and that our special relationship will continue and that we can become your special trading partner when we lose our European markets. I understand that you can charge tariffs to us and we cannot charge tariffs to you, because you are tough on trade, and that we must welcome your multinationals with open arms and find you another golf course, but that is a small price to pay for a close relationship with the Great United States of America and you, Mr President Donald.

We are especially honoured by your coming visit in July and are trying out a new form of welcome. They are large soundproof painted screens with people on which will move around with you to make you feel at home. And we are already taking pictures of the golf balls going straight down the holes from a long distance on your Golf Course. Sadly, Prince Philip, will not meet you because of his advanced age and a mouth problem, but the Queen will be welcoming you with a full State visit. She has agreed to you trying on the Crown and wants you to discuss corgies. I will apologize for the way you were treated in 1776 and remit all tea tariffs for ever as an act of goodwill. I would dearly like a picture of you looking into the distance for the Number 10 stairway.

Although this is slightly sensitive could I remind you about the North Korea thing this week. You could easily negotiate Kim Jong-un into anything, but if you make friends with North Korea and even more with Russia, we will have few of the enemies left on which our great military forces rely. You are trying to make a good enemy of Iran, but it could co-operate, and that leaves us with few threats to be afraid of, even though I did enjoy our brief chat about aliens. So, it might be a good idea to keep North Korea as an enemy. I use it frequently in my speeches.

So, we look forward to your great visit to us. We are making red carpets to cover all your routes and will get the “fuzzy-wuzzie soldiers” out, as you call them, and I am eating Hamburgers so that I do not come over too stuffy or schoolmistressy.

Your ever loyal ally and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (Britain)

Theresa May