Can I just say how magnificent you were at your inauguration, Mr. President. I wish I had been part of the innumerable crowd. I am writing because we have lost a nuclear wocket. It went slightly astray. We were aiming at Africa, in case they get uppity in the future, but it veered off towards the Great United States of America. I am dreadfully sorry. I am not in any way blaming Lockheed Martin who made it with their great American workers, nor did the phrase “homing pidgeon” cross my mind. We love to pay Lockheed Martin billions for making wockets we will not use, unless you say so, so that we can stick the label “Independent” on them down in our submarines. Be assured, we sacked the Do-Not-Hit-America wallah in our sub, although the new nuclear submarine passed its test with flying colours, because the wocket went out of the right hole and it is now fit to kill millions in any area of the world we, or really you, Mr President, choose.

I was reminded recently of our hypocritical oath – to talk peace while selling weapons round the world to promote wars. The voters need fear of enemies and we must arm those enemies and promote fear. Since Brexit I am reassessing the dangers from Belgium, the French and the Dutch. The Dutch overran us with William of Orange and the French are gearing up for 2066. I am also building a wall opposite the Isle of Wight for the fight which is to come. I think we should congratulate ourselves on the fact that in Iraq, Libya and Syria, where they have been fighting with our arms, the enemies of democracy are being defeated and peace and prosperity is returning.

Could I remind you that we need Russia as an enemy. North Korea is remote from us, and we need an enemy the people can believe in. If you make friends with Putin, we are sunk, flush out of enemies. Mr Fallon, our Defence Man, will look out of a job, and the wockets, which we buy from you, will be useless even for fireworks. Remember, we need Danger, Mr President. You can only be strong, if there is danger. Cowboys need Indians. So, Mr President, as this letter is read to you, please wemember we are your craven ally. Think of us as a colony. We will make sure that intelligence is kept firmly under control. I hope that you will return our wocket. We will pay for it again. We enjoyed using it, and apart from the bend it worked well, manufactured by your superb Lockheed Martin. Thank you for your attention, but I will resend this letter in case.

Theresa (Britain, ally)