Category Archives: May/Boris

May/Boris

HELLO MY PEOPLE.

Now we have conquered Coronavirus, I thought it would be a good time to have a fireside chat. As you know, I am both Churchill and Roosevelt. Of course, you must still wash your hands as I taught you, but now we are nearly virus free and must protect ourselves against all these ghastly EU types who would bring it over. The French, as we know, do not wash their hands properly.

I have announced we are overhauling Public Health, England. That is to imply we had some problems with these expertise people, and it was not Matt Hancock’s fault that we were a bit slow off the mark at the start and he had not got his braces on. I need him to resign after we have an enquiry and some stuff comes out. I am very grateful that he chaired the SAGE meetings while I had to do Thingy’s bottle. Now I am in charge and things are going with a swing. You must feel eternally grateful to me that you can buy fish and chips again and don’t have to stand close to people who smell. It is deeply wrong that Putin has announced a vaccine and is taking the credit for it. I hope to make an announcement about our vaccine which will lead the world from Oxford soon.

I am standing by Mr Williamson, who has said he wants to be Prime Minister, in this exams business. We need another Chris Grayling. It is being absolutely overblown. All you need to do on exams is scrape through, and there is always a bit of cribbing anyway. The best people will always rise to the top and if you can do a quick amo, amas, amat and Napoleon crossing the Alps, grades do not really matter. I never got past the Pubic Wars in Latin. But I understand that people will feel strongly about this and I am deeply with them. We will support you all the way in your degree, apprenticeship or soap delivery job. Because Britain is great again, you will go forward. Could I just say that the ladder is there and all you have to do is climb it and every ladder needs a wall and every wall has two sides to it and I can see them both.

In a week or two’s time we are having a Get Brexit Done Again week. I don’t know when. It will depend on when you need distracting. We have left Europe but just have the trade bit to go, and we are going to arrange that you will still get your tomatoes from the Dutch and your VWs from the Belgians. Of course, you can buy British, and we are offering a contract for English oranges to some of my friends. When we have fully left Europe we will be able to go onwards and upwards and forward in our great United Kingdom. Money will flock to our offshore tax havens and more Russian oligarchs will come here looking for football teams. Of course, I know that some of you are suffering in the North, but I will build a bridge from Lancashire to Yorkshire, and the other way of course, which will employ a good few navvies and make you feel good. Your bit of High Speed Two will unfortunately not be finished until 2040ish, but it is travelling north and will arrive at Platform 6 in Leeds after further delays for which we apologise. We will get MYLY Bridge done after Christmas.

At the Conservative Party Conference this year, which we will hold in Newport so that our rich Conservative members can spend trickle down money there, we will be discussing the colour of the tree on the logo. Should it be Oxford blue? We will also discuss which way forward will unite this great country of ours. We Tories are running the only show in town. We want you to talk about us and other trivia all of the time to keep the show in town the show on the road. We have been dishing out money to everyone; do not ask where it comes from. You know we are nice and you do not want to be governed by incompetents like them. So together we will lead the world with Donald Trump as our ally and trade partner. I am looking forward to eating chlorinated chicken in jeans and a Stetson while keeping my finger off a new nuclear button. We have nothing to fear bur fear itself, as Churchill said and with FDR we will fight them on the beaches, socially distanced of course. And so, finally, I say, “Stay Something. Stay Somewhere and Stay Sometime” and we will be with you all the way. That should inspire them. Leave that bit off, silly.

May/Boris

Another letter

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boris

My Dear Theresa,

Thank you for your letter, which, I think, will not go down to posterity. No, I will not apologize. I understand that you and your cronies need to black me out before the upcoming leadership election, but I will not so easily be silenced. Indeed, I will give the common people what they want – a bit of spice in their lives.

For under your leadership Britain has become a bit dreary. The Brexit campaign was fun – buses and slogans – but you have made it into the most interminably long bore in human history, and it will do for you. The ordinary people do not want to discuss regulations, but fish and chips. They need to have a pee whenever they want, not dictated from Brussels. They do not want to be strong and stable, but have a drink and a good stagger home.

You do not understand the basis of Conservatism. It is to get the common people to discuss trivia. The Coliseum ran Rome. The hoi polloi worried about whether some poor christian bugger was eaten by a lion and not about running the empire. Even that short trousered bastard Gove sees the point. He can get people worried about wood burning stoves when the planet is going down the tubes. Conservatism is about making trivia important and not saying, but presuming, “Trust us”. We must look right and the Whitehall wallahs will do the work.

That is why I brought up letterboxes. The masses like letterboxes. Everybody is an equal authority on letterboxes and we can all talk about whether some burka manufacturers are offended. Everyone’s posting letters. And we need to see our women, properly or improperly, as the case may be.

Of course, clothes are important and how you wear them. Merely wearing trousers does not replace thousands of years of male culture – Omdurman, Polo and a wallet in the back pocket. With a hitch of my trousers I can say to the common people I do not give a toss for diets, perms, female make-up, fashion and cummerbunds, and I am one of them. Of course, I am not, as Caesar and Churchill were not, because I have set out on the course of leadership, but the people can see I am one of them because I have not combed my hair as I get into the limousine.

The masses need Once more unto the beach, dear friends, once more, as my friend Churchill said, especially this summer. We will meet you on the beaches and you WILL speak our language, not some foreign lingo.

Being Foreign Secretary was hell. They were all talking in some God-forsaken language and I needed Perkins of the FO to tell me what they were saying and where they lived, so it is great to be out and after the top job. After all, with Dave and George gone I am the only member of the Bullingdon Club fit to rule. So, in a little while, Theresa, you will be pitching weak and unstable on a Brexit roundabout and the Money will know that only I can hold off Clem Attlee and the dreaded redistribution. Without the Money you are dead. Definitely not May the best horse win.

Boris.