(This text is transcribed from a small voice recording machine obtained through the White House rubbish disposal system which occasionally does not work properly)

Oh, where the fuck is that voice recording thing? You can never find things around here. Oh, who put it in my pocket? Is it on? So, Malinda, can you write this up for the Brits. This is the main speech, and I dont want to do it again. Queen, Treesa. Big Dinner thing. Gold plates. Tart this up as usual, but a lot more Statesmanlike. But underneath, gotta teach them a lesson. One of their Genrals disagreed with us over the Iran danger, as if he knows something. Those Brits easily get uppity.

So, first section blahdeblah on how nice it is to be here. Warm welcome. Keeping the adoring crowds at bay and they will talk about this to their children when they grow up. Biggest crowds ever. Lots of jokey stuff with the Queen. I like the plates. I’m changing the law so I can catch her up as President in 2080 if she dies soon. And can I borrow her kit and the fancy carriage for six months to have a tour back home, and something about if the Brits want a war of independence, we’ll nuke them. But, really it’s a Special Relationship. They speak our language like natives. Ha. Ha.

Then I want a quick pitch directly to Queenie. Say, I would like another golf course a bit closer to the airports. Mention Windsor and a bit of landscaping. It is close to London and there is plenty of space if you flatten a few things. If you do it up front, it is difficult to say No. I’ll leave a gap to let it sink in.

Then the statesmanlike stuff. Treesa will be there, crying, so don’t say You should have listened to me on Europe. Aw fuck. Say it anyway. Then say I want their backing on Iraq, Iran, Syria, Yemen, China and all that round the world stuff, and unconditional support at the UN – poodle style because we have got to hold the free world together. You can shove in a joke about them being poodles, and leaving the EU, so now they are corgies or those silly small dogs with the complicated name. I’ll practice it. And say, I don’t clear up dog shit.

Turn the screw a bit. Make em uneasy. Small island. Make them feel they don’t count now. They are out of Europe. Mention Nigel and Boris to stir it up a bit and tell em how important it is to choose the right leaders, and we are still getting over Obama and Hillary, but now we are really successful. Tell em I understand their crisis. Trade must be difficult. Then I want to launch my BIG DEAL. You can buy any of our weapons that we do not want, if you give us open access to all your markets. Give them a roasting on fucking chlorinated chicken. I’ve read it. They live off bloody Kentucky and McDonalds and then they rubbish our chicken. I’m going to get chlorinated chicken down their throats if it kills them. And tell them if they don’t quit that Chinese firm, Awayee, I’ll give them less American intelligence, and boy are we intelligent.

You can finish with all the save the world for freedom stuff and the dangers of Iran and how I have sorted out the American economy, China, Europe, South America and the rest. Nothing on global warming. Absolute nothing. Blank it. Nobody mentions the weather. We’ll do Great USA (GUSA) and Ordinary Britain, so they know they are nothing.

Then, I’ll do:- Today, I am asking you to choose greatness, American greatness. You put a man on the South Pole and I put a man on the Moon. I’ll mention GUSA a number of times. Then throw in Canada. Say, I want Canada to leave the Empire-Wealthy thing, so that they can have a closer relationship with us. Say, you’ve got Scotland and Wales, so you don’t need Canada. And I want my golf course to become sovereign US territory so those vile Scots can’t fuck me about.

Them, finally, I hope they will see that history is done My Way. See if you can get the Queen to put Sinatra on her Sound System, kinda low background to what I say. Treesa’s gone, but either history fucks you or you do it, and it will do it My Way. Mexico. China. Iran. Europe, and Canada will do it my way. I faced it all and I stood tall. I did it my way. I’ll give the finale a big voice. To think I did all that And may I say – not in a shy way. Oh no, oh no, not me I did it my way. Its gotta be big. Give the whole thing a bit of your class, and make sure I get all the formal stuff right, your Majesty and Duke of York. I’ll take it slow and statesmanlike cos she’s nearly dead. Get My way to change key near the end. When I sit down make sure all our people stand up and clap. I need it on gold paper, big print. When you’ve written it up classy I’ll practice it loads with you to learn the new words.

I say, you taking out the rubbish again. Could you take this down to Malinda and tell her to write it up straight away so I can practice it. I don’t know how to turn it off. Here, off you go.

Dear Donald,

Well what a roller coaster it is running world politics! I recognise that Medium Britain, as I now call it in deference to the Great United States of America, is concerned with more humble things than cross your desk every day. But I hope you will pay attention to the person reading this while you play on your computer and comb your hair. We in MB are Brexiting, which means we are leaving Europe. We will stay in the same place, but we are cutting our political ties and becoming independent, like you so wisely did in 1776. That means all we have is our special relationship with you, and I treasure that above all. I remember the Beatles hit, “I Wanna Hold your Hand” as one of my favourite bits of music about world affairs..

Leaving Europe is very difficult, but I am being strong and stable. Thank you for your advice about building a wall across Ireland, but I think we won’t. The locals like blowing walls up, although in recent times they have had less of your explosives, for which we are very grateful. We are trying to make a frictionless wall which is not there and yet is. We think it makes more sense. It is like people playing two games – Draughts and Noughts and Crosses – which I know you like. They just have to know which game they are playing when they cross the invisible border and we have to know too, and then it works.

We want to trade more with GUSA, and are working on it. We like our meat battered into shapeless slabs and will be quite happy changing the shape of our cricket bats. We need some more of your super missiles to frighten the Russians and some more fighters to put on our aircraft carriers. Some of them can be dummies as long as they look good. The Starfighter is the best in the world, even though it is a bit expensive. Fortunately, poor people are costing us less, so we can spend more on weapons. My defence man, Gavin Williamson wants British bases around the world, though not as many as you, so we can be Great again, and not just Medium. If you sell arms to the Middle East and we push them too, perhaps we can persuade them to buy even more, especially if a few unfortunate conflicts are going on like the one in Yemen, which we, like you, never mention. I was very pleased with your announcement that you have won the war in Afghanistan an made the Taliban much nicer. I’m sure, too, that you can persuade the North Koreans that you do not want to attack them and their missiles are entirely wrong and not needed as a deterrent. That WE should be deterred is an absurd idea. We deter others but do not need deterring, because we are good.

I see you have your problem with Nancy Perlosi, like I have my problem with Corbyn. Extremists are always difficult to deal with and both could destroy our countries. Corbyn has this extreme policy with Brexit that he only wants to be on the edge of Europe rather than come out firmly. It seems a moderate policy, but he holds it extremely and will destroy the country if I do not stay in power, which I am determined to do. When I Brexit on time, the Conservative Party will fall behind me and all will be well.

So, I hope your state of the Union address goes well and you can read it. Perhaps you should edit out the big words. I congratulate you on opening up the American Government for business again, a truly statesmanlike act, and as you look to the future with your lips firm and your hair blowing gently in the breeze I am sure that the greatness of America, the GUSA spirit, will flood through the nation. It is not WHAT we do, but what WE DO, or SAY WE DO, that counts.

Your humble and obedient servant,

Teresa May,

Prime Minister of Medium Britain.

My dear Donald, if I May,

So, at last you are coming. I am ecstatic. It is just what I need right now in the calm of the English summer. We politicians are just sitting about eating strawberries. Welcome to the United Kingdom. Of course, we are not a Kingdom but a Queendom. She is a woman in charge, like me. Shake hands with her first and then with the men in uniforms. Welcome to your Britain, metaphorically of course – the place of your primitive ancestors. It is wonderful that you are coming here to set our people on fire with togetherness and the spirit of capitalism. This note is to be read to you as you fly over to prepare you for the visit. You will need to sit down and get someone to read it to you slowly a couple of times..

First, you have already announced that “Britain is in turmoil”. It is good you are taking note of us, and I know what you mean, but I beg you not to say, “and I will sort it out”. Though you are wonderful at doing events and resignations, saying that here might upset a lot of people. If they decide to turn the sentence around and try to sort you out, it could be ugly, so please do not say those words or offer to make us another state of the Great USA, or GUSA, as we regularly say.

The intensity of the mood here is related to the World Cup and that soccer football game thingy event. Lots of our people wanted us to win, so that we can be World Champions, but not really World Champions because you are already, and we know that American football is the greatest game in the world after golf. But we lost to an upcoming world power called Coatia and the peasants are a bit miffed. They will be marching around chanting with banners and big balloons of their favourite stars, but a bit grumpy. You will sadly not have time to talk to them about football and things or look at their balloons.

On golf, your outstanding visit to the golf course is fully planned. As I told you in my last letter we have got photos of all the balls going down the holes and just await pictures of you resolute on the tees, the starting place, to line up with them. We also need a Card in your large handwriting showing a round in 18, signed by you. Yes, it has never happened before. I have already got the Cabinet to sign the Card. Sadly, we cannot sell any of the islands at the top left or the big one lower down which is not fully ours. Scotland will probably not want you to run it just now, even though you are linked to their Royal Family, and their music is bad. Sometimes the Scots are hostile to the English and to visitors who want to buy their country.

I hope you are still listening. We have tried to lay on the biggest State visit for anyone ever, bigger than for all other American Presidents. The centre of a State visit is the Queen, who is like our Donald Trump but smaller. When we sing, “God save the Queen” you do not have to do anything. When you meet the Queen could you remember she may have a bit of an infection and you must only touch her hands which will have gloves on to keep you safe. She has taken to muttering about independence and growing up, and is beginning to resent her welcoming job, so it is best to smile and talk about animals. She is not selling any of her Scottish castles. Prince Philip will look after your wife, but she will not be able to understand anything he says, especially about you. Your visit will also get mixed up with a big military exercise in case we are attacked by Iceland. It will involve rings of steel, lots of troops and may mean that millions of your admiring fans will have to be kept at a distance.

Could I also mention Boris. You said that you liked him, and I am grateful that your people taught him where countries are on the map, though he still thinks Venezuela is in Africa. He is taking a break and going to try to comb his hair like you. Like yourself he is keen on being Churchill and is a great fan of GUSA. Feel free on this visit to endorse him as a future Prime Minister and mention all his similarities to yourself. Your recommendation will go a long way with the British people, who hang on your every word.

So, could I say how proud we are to have you and your wife visit this humble country, with whom you have this special patronizing relationship. We will not be able to honour you enough and must keep your adoring fans at bay but look forward to holding hands and doing all kinds of exciting things. And could I apologize. We organised a massive flypast of military planes, but it happened a week early by mistake. Don’t mention Russia or Brexit, and we already know we were in the wrong in 1776. Remember, we start the day five hours earlier than you and I am supposed to be Prime Minister here. Thank you for listening. You might like to get an explanation of the long words we use over here in simple English. Gohomeyounutter means Welcome, and Goodriddance means It has been lovely to see you.

Your adoring fan, Theresa, (Prime Minister, UK)

My Dear Donald,

I know you are busy talking to Kim Jong-un but I just had to drop you a line, and, as you know, I cannot Tweet. First of all the G7 Summit. It was good to see you there from a distance and I did tap your back a few times, and I understand why you are slapping tariffs on us all, but I am in the middle of delicate negotiations with the European Union people, and I could not at this stage side with you against them. It would make the Brexit exit too fast for us. I hope you understand that, really, I was with you and that our special relationship will continue and that we can become your special trading partner when we lose our European markets. I understand that you can charge tariffs to us and we cannot charge tariffs to you, because you are tough on trade, and that we must welcome your multinationals with open arms and find you another golf course, but that is a small price to pay for a close relationship with the Great United States of America and you, Mr President Donald.

We are especially honoured by your coming visit in July and are trying out a new form of welcome. They are large soundproof painted screens with people on which will move around with you to make you feel at home. And we are already taking pictures of the golf balls going straight down the holes from a long distance on your Golf Course. Sadly, Prince Philip, will not meet you because of his advanced age and a mouth problem, but the Queen will be welcoming you with a full State visit. She has agreed to you trying on the Crown and wants you to discuss corgies. I will apologize for the way you were treated in 1776 and remit all tea tariffs for ever as an act of goodwill. I would dearly like a picture of you looking into the distance for the Number 10 stairway.

Although this is slightly sensitive could I remind you about the North Korea thing this week. You could easily negotiate Kim Jong-un into anything, but if you make friends with North Korea and even more with Russia, we will have few of the enemies left on which our great military forces rely. You are trying to make a good enemy of Iran, but it could co-operate, and that leaves us with few threats to be afraid of, even though I did enjoy our brief chat about aliens. So, it might be a good idea to keep North Korea as an enemy. I use it frequently in my speeches.

So, we look forward to your great visit to us. We are making red carpets to cover all your routes and will get the “fuzzy-wuzzie soldiers” out, as you call them, and I am eating Hamburgers so that I do not come over too stuffy or schoolmistressy.

Your ever loyal ally and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (Britain)

Theresa May

Hello, ordinary folk,

Weather will cover the whole of the UK today, and it will get jolly worse overnight. I am going to talk about it because it doesn’t involve reading, and I am Foreign Secretary and our weather always starts as foreign. At present weather is coming from the Brexit countries, but it will improve when we leave Europe properly.

I have had a lot of experience of the weather. Sometimes it is good and sometimes it is bad. When I was Major of London it was outstanding and the Romans had good weather too. They built Hadrian’s Wall to keep the bad weather out, and if I may say so, some rotter knocked it down.

I am in full agreement with the Prime Minister about the weather and I’m sure she will look after it very well. Gosh. Where is my coat? Yes, I am going to do my best to make sure that the weather improves. By June I expect my policies to have an effect and make you warmer. I do not expect gratitude. It is just part of the job. But we might have an election then, and I want you to remember how bad it is now under Labour with closed schools, trains not working and the Communist beast from the east. I say, is Putin Communist? Or something.

And where is France you may well ask? We will get our weather from new places, like Guatamala and the Virgin Islands, and I will stop now because my Private Secretary is waving his arms at me because of the weather.

Dear TERESA, got it right, but now my dictation typist takes over. I dictate and she rights.

Sometimes we leaders have got to stick together, though I am the leader of the Free World and you are Prime Minister of Medium Britain, as I have decided to call you now. I’m glad things are proceeding with my state visit. I want to meet your fuzzy wuzzies with guns that the Queen has and I will ask if she can spare some for over here.

You may be aware that guns are a bit in the news over here after the Florida accident. I was very sympathetic to the poor critters who had lost children as the picture shows quite clearly. They were upset, bless them, and started blaming the GUNS instead of the nutter who was using the gun. Never blame the gun, I say, when it is the human who is mad. We have a problem with mad humans. Everyone can see that. We must be ready to shoot them.

Mind you, I had a problem. My solution was to arm the teachers. I said it out straight to the crying people I let in the White House. That will solve it I said. But then it came out that there was an armed officer with a gun at the Florida School. He stood outside for four minutes without shooting because he did not want to be killed. He was messing my policy up before I said it. It is difficult to be world leader when you are surrounded by idiots. Now we need guys to shoot the teachers with guns who do not shoot the mad killers.

But now I have discovered my world policy. Just as guns keep everybody safe here in the Great United States of America (I do not like GUSA; it does not sound right – the President added quietly), so, this is a long sentence, Jolene, we need more guns and bombs around the world to keep everybody safe. Did you get that, Jolene? The problem in Syria is that the Ruskies are selling bombs and stuff to Assad, and we are not selling enough bombs and stuff to the other side. They say they can’t afford them and are dying, but they would be better spending money on bombs than hospitals and stuff, because when the bombs are equal the war will stop. In the same way when all the weapons are equal all around the world, then all the wars will end. That is world policy. Goddammit, I’ve got to finish this soon. What is her name?

I’m offering you a whole load of our weapons cheap, Teresa. I hear you are having problems with France and Northern Ireland, but if you have weapons they will fall into line. So that’s it. That is Free World policy. So, let’s get on with it. And could I have a soldier on every hole of my golf course just in case.

Thank you Teresa and Jolene, over and out.

The President of the Great United States of America

It has been very good to listen to you on the phone and to meet you at Davos. I must say we have tremendous rapport, stand shoulder to shoulder and I am right behind you. And I know, contrary to reports, that you have great respect for everything I am doing as I do for your scintillating intellect. I thought I would write to you, because that gives me more room to cover the points you address so well when you interrupt. I know the person reading this letter to you will not be interrupted, because you know I am not actually there to hear you.

First, I must say how terrific it is to have a new American Embassy on the South Bank. Although I understand that you were disappointed with the site and the contribution of ex-President Obama (and George W. Bush) to the move, I would like to say that Mayfair has gone down in London. All kinds of undesirables live there now. And we have a policy of putting intelligence on the South Bank, and that is where you belong, as your recent health check confirmed.

Then I want to complete my sentence in the stupendous trade deal which is going to make our two countries prosper even more than they are under our leadership, though you are world leader and I am merely leader of the ex-British empire, as you pointed out at Davos. I was saying, “We want to buy your fighter planes, missiles, bombs, intelligence, superb hamburgers, jeans, popular records, bleached chicken, celebrity statements, television chat shows and many other products without any import duties”. You said, “Done” at that point, but I must go on record as saying I had not completed the sentence. I was going to add, “in exchange for our Stilton cheese, jellied eels, period dramas, stately homes, afternoon teas, antique wall-plates, trousers with turnups and other exports which I’m sure we have, also without duties.” So, we have to do a two-sided deal, and I am not, as you say, “a complete walkover.”

We just want to say how much you are in our news. Almost every day there is a story about you reflecting your position as world leader. I do not mind. I knew your Government had not broken down, as mine has not, and that headline was fake news and I know you are going to build the Mexico Wall. We will send some concrete over, if it will help. We are discussing secretly in Cabinet rebuilding the old wall between England and Scotland. The northern people tend to swamp us and do not vote the right way, and a wall which kept them out and us in control would be a good idea. You would understand.

Just a few small points I was not able to make when we were together and I was listening to you. Do remember to put your nuclear button in a cupboard. Our ambassador said you nearly put your Coke can on it. Then, again, can we have some fighter aircraft bodies to put on our new carriers; we can do the engines later. Then, we have made a statement that all the bombs we are dropping in Syria are not killing any civilians. Could you do the same, please. And, I’ve this person called Boris I would like to send over for six months to learn our foreign policy. He likes the Great United States of America and will help your trade.

Finally, the Queen asked me to say, “We” (she always uses we) “are doing a slow refurbishment (makeover) of Buckingham Palace so that it will be ready to receive that nice big American man. We, or one of our aides if I cannot find the words, will let him know when we, or our successors, are ready to receive him in our humble abode.” I find that very touching. It is an urgent, but not quite yet, invitation from her Majesty, especially when Prince Philip keeps talking about dry rot.

I hope you will continue to lead the free world and I am right behind, yet with the independence that we gained in 1776, holding on to our special relationship.

Your humble and obedient ally,

Theresa (not Treesa) Prime Minister, United Kingdom, you met at Davos.

My dear Donald,

This is to wish you a happy New Year, and also to the employee reading this to you. Now it is 2018, another year, and we will all have to do different things. My New Year resolution is to leave some things alone. Perhaps we can do this together, hand in hand. I will leave Europe alone and you can leave North Korea alone. Just think of Kim Jong Un as a leader with a bad hairstyle and small features set in a vast sea of face. He thrives on publicity and having enemies, and a much better policy is just to ignore him. After all, you are world leader and he is just a small person with a big mouth. If we leave him alone, maybe his mouth will stay shut.

We do have to think what to do with his wockets. They are dangerous. You remember one of ours, which you had sold to us, went astray and was heading towards you until it was destroyed. Wockets and buttons are good things, but there is a bit of a problem. We have said we will use our wockets first, because if we only use them when we are all dead, that is not much use, and anyway we want to be first and leaders and things, though you are the world leader. So, you may want to use them first, when Kim Jong Un is a bit rude. But pressing the button first and nuking North Korea might not be a good idea. I keep my nuclear button in a cupboard so that I do not do anything stupid, although we would have to ask your permission first to use our independent nuclear deterrent and then you would turn them on. Why don’t you just be rude to him. If I may paraphrase an old English saying, “Sticks and nuclear bombs will hurt my bones, but words will hurt even more.” I think, if you call him little and fat and point out he cannot play golf, that will upset him more than nuking him. When things get really bad, we say, “Ya Boo”. That really hurts them. Then you will not have to think about your button. That would be a good way forward.

We are doing well in Great Britain, although you are the Greatest United States of America. We put GUSA first and have walked away from Europe to prove it. I have taken to drinking Diet Cokes to keep me thin, like you, and we watch American films all the time including the great victories of the Cowboys over the Indians and your victory in World War Two and Vietnam.

We have hit a bit of a problem with the Royal Wedding. The bride, being a woman of colour, wants to invite the Obamas to the wedding, and the Queen has said Yes because she meets people of colour all the time. She does not know you personally, and so you have not been invited. It is a small, cheap, wedding and they are trying to keep the costs down, and there will be quite a few ordinary people there, so you won’t miss much. We will arrange for you to meet the Queen in the Palace sometime, though the Queen has said she is awfully, awfully busy. She wants to meet you in a few years time when her mind has had time to mature. So, we will discuss your State visit later; it must be the event of the century. I still remember my visit to the United States when you held my hand.

I hope you saw our new Aircraft Carriers. They are nearly as big as yours. We need some of your F35 planes to put on them, because they are the best. I know they cost you over a trillion dollars, but we hope you can give us some as soon as possible at a lower cost. Our critics are pointing out that having aircraft carriers without aircraft for a decade is a bit stupid. Perhaps you have a few rejects we could pick up cheap that we could put on the top, even if they don’t fly.

I must say the world is a safer place with you as President, Mr Trump. May your golf course prosper, you keep out of bunkers and your handicap stay low, and I have not mentioned Russia.

Your closest ally,

Theresa (May, Prime Minister United Kingdom across Atlantic)

Thank you for your wonderful letter full of informalities and pearls of wisdom. Could you put the “e” before the “r” in my name, please. It’s harder than “Donald”. I shall treasure it as pure you and it will probably finish up in the Ordinary British Museum to show that you wrote to us. We await the Great United States of America Announcement and I am teaching all our people to say GUSA now, though Boris will take a long while to learn it. Trumpacare sounds very nice too.

I am glad, Mr President, that you are addressing the North Korean situation. I said last year in the Trident debate, we need our nuclear weapons to defend ourselves against North Korea, and you are even nearer than we are. I seem to remember that General MacArthur wanted to drop atomic bombs on them in the Korean War. It is a pity he did not finish the job.

I do not understand why North Korea should want nuclear weapons and missiles. They should know that we have about eight thousand and they will have only about ten. That is pathetic. I do not know what they are frightened of. I hope you will let me know of any attack and we will send one of our smaller missiles along too and an attack helicopter in support of your strike. I may not be Tony Blair but I can back GUSA when you need me.

You said in your wonderful letter that you had installed buttons on our missiles to switch them off if necessary. I know you made them and kindly exported them to us, and I know that when one of your superb wockets went astray off your coast in one of our trials, you were able to explode it before it damaged the United States. I was very grateful for that and staying allies and not thinking of nuking us, but I have to say that we are supposed to have an independent nuclear deterrent, and if noise of your buttons got around it would be difficult for me in the House of Commons. Corbyn, that awful man, might want an off-button too.

I think the way you sack your staff is so impressive. As a woman I find it more difficult. I want to sack most of mine. Boris is mentally in a scrum, Philip has to go. Gove is still in short trousers. But they are after me, like they are after you, and I am too afraid to sack them. They would seek their revenge. It is indeed lonely at the top. That is why we must stick together, me slightly behind. I have asked the Queen to retrain the staff for your visit and I understand you want all the furry hat soldiers who stamp to do their show. Of course. And there is a room in the palace with a long carpet where you can practice putting.

With my effusive best wishes and the understanding that the British will want to buy everything from GUSA in our new trade deal.

Teresa May (Ordinary Britain Prime Minister, your ally)

If you are reading this to him say what a nice letter it is.