My dear Donald, if I May,

So, at last you are coming. I am ecstatic. It is just what I need right now in the calm of the English summer. We politicians are just sitting about eating strawberries. Welcome to the United Kingdom. Of course, we are not a Kingdom but a Queendom. She is a woman in charge, like me. Shake hands with her first and then with the men in uniforms. Welcome to your Britain, metaphorically of course – the place of your primitive ancestors. It is wonderful that you are coming here to set our people on fire with togetherness and the spirit of capitalism. This note is to be read to you as you fly over to prepare you for the visit. You will need to sit down and get someone to read it to you slowly a couple of times..

First, you have already announced that “Britain is in turmoil”. It is good you are taking note of us, and I know what you mean, but I beg you not to say, “and I will sort it out”. Though you are wonderful at doing events and resignations, saying that here might upset a lot of people. If they decide to turn the sentence around and try to sort you out, it could be ugly, so please do not say those words or offer to make us another state of the Great USA, or GUSA, as we regularly say.

The intensity of the mood here is related to the World Cup and that soccer football game thingy event. Lots of our people wanted us to win, so that we can be World Champions, but not really World Champions because you are already, and we know that American football is the greatest game in the world after golf. But we lost to an upcoming world power called Coatia and the peasants are a bit miffed. They will be marching around chanting with banners and big balloons of their favourite stars, but a bit grumpy. You will sadly not have time to talk to them about football and things or look at their balloons.

On golf, your outstanding visit to the golf course is fully planned. As I told you in my last letter we have got photos of all the balls going down the holes and just await pictures of you resolute on the tees, the starting place, to line up with them. We also need a Card in your large handwriting showing a round in 18, signed by you. Yes, it has never happened before. I have already got the Cabinet to sign the Card. Sadly, we cannot sell any of the islands at the top left or the big one lower down which is not fully ours. Scotland will probably not want you to run it just now, even though you are linked to their Royal Family, and their music is bad. Sometimes the Scots are hostile to the English and to visitors who want to buy their country.

I hope you are still listening. We have tried to lay on the biggest State visit for anyone ever, bigger than for all other American Presidents. The centre of a State visit is the Queen, who is like our Donald Trump but smaller. When we sing, “God save the Queen” you do not have to do anything. When you meet the Queen could you remember she may have a bit of an infection and you must only touch her hands which will have gloves on to keep you safe. She has taken to muttering about independence and growing up, and is beginning to resent her welcoming job, so it is best to smile and talk about animals. She is not selling any of her Scottish castles. Prince Philip will look after your wife, but she will not be able to understand anything he says, especially about you. Your visit will also get mixed up with a big military exercise in case we are attacked by Iceland. It will involve rings of steel, lots of troops and may mean that millions of your admiring fans will have to be kept at a distance.

Could I also mention Boris. You said that you liked him, and I am grateful that your people taught him where countries are on the map, though he still thinks Venezuela is in Africa. He is taking a break and going to try to comb his hair like you. Like yourself he is keen on being Churchill and is a great fan of GUSA. Feel free on this visit to endorse him as a future Prime Minister and mention all his similarities to yourself. Your recommendation will go a long way with the British people, who hang on your every word.

So, could I say how proud we are to have you and your wife visit this humble country, with whom you have this special patronizing relationship. We will not be able to honour you enough and must keep your adoring fans at bay but look forward to holding hands and doing all kinds of exciting things. And could I apologize. We organised a massive flypast of military planes, but it happened a week early by mistake. Don’t mention Russia or Brexit, and we already know we were in the wrong in 1776. Remember, we start the day five hours earlier than you and I am supposed to be Prime Minister here. Thank you for listening. You might like to get an explanation of the long words we use over here in simple English. Gohomeyounutter means Welcome, and Goodriddance means It has been lovely to see you.

Your adoring fan, Theresa, (Prime Minister, UK)

My Dear Donald,

I know you are busy talking to Kim Jong-un but I just had to drop you a line, and, as you know, I cannot Tweet. First of all the G7 Summit. It was good to see you there from a distance and I did tap your back a few times, and I understand why you are slapping tariffs on us all, but I am in the middle of delicate negotiations with the European Union people, and I could not at this stage side with you against them. It would make the Brexit exit too fast for us. I hope you understand that, really, I was with you and that our special relationship will continue and that we can become your special trading partner when we lose our European markets. I understand that you can charge tariffs to us and we cannot charge tariffs to you, because you are tough on trade, and that we must welcome your multinationals with open arms and find you another golf course, but that is a small price to pay for a close relationship with the Great United States of America and you, Mr President Donald.

We are especially honoured by your coming visit in July and are trying out a new form of welcome. They are large soundproof painted screens with people on which will move around with you to make you feel at home. And we are already taking pictures of the golf balls going straight down the holes from a long distance on your Golf Course. Sadly, Prince Philip, will not meet you because of his advanced age and a mouth problem, but the Queen will be welcoming you with a full State visit. She has agreed to you trying on the Crown and wants you to discuss corgies. I will apologize for the way you were treated in 1776 and remit all tea tariffs for ever as an act of goodwill. I would dearly like a picture of you looking into the distance for the Number 10 stairway.

Although this is slightly sensitive could I remind you about the North Korea thing this week. You could easily negotiate Kim Jong-un into anything, but if you make friends with North Korea and even more with Russia, we will have few of the enemies left on which our great military forces rely. You are trying to make a good enemy of Iran, but it could co-operate, and that leaves us with few threats to be afraid of, even though I did enjoy our brief chat about aliens. So, it might be a good idea to keep North Korea as an enemy. I use it frequently in my speeches.

So, we look forward to your great visit to us. We are making red carpets to cover all your routes and will get the “fuzzy-wuzzie soldiers” out, as you call them, and I am eating Hamburgers so that I do not come over too stuffy or schoolmistressy.

Your ever loyal ally and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (Britain)

Theresa May